No Fair!

Anyone who tells you life is fair is trying to sell you something. This is not news to me, or anyone else who has spent more than, say, four years on planet Earth.  But still, it’s a human need to fight injustice wherever we see it.  We may not be able to balance the scales, but by God we can do our best to quit from tipping them over.

I’ll be the 4,261,366th person on the internet today that will say that one of the greatest causes of cries of “no fair” is gender.  Boys earn a dollar for every 75 cents a girl earns.  Studies show that boys get more attention in school.  Boys can become professional athletes, or even get jobs commenting on other boys who are professional athletes.  Girls?  Occasionally.  Not so much.  I mean, go ahead, name a rich, professional female athlete that ISN’T Venus or Serena Williams.  I dare you.

It costs more to dry clean a woman’s shirt.  Shampoo in a pink bottle is more expensive.

Men can unzip and relieve themselves more or less anywhere in a matter of seconds.  Women have to wait on line in order to lock themselves in a tiny, unsanitary room and then undress themselves by undoing complicated undergarments and then packing it all back together.

I could go on.  And others have.

But seriously?  The whole of life’s unfairness came crashing down on me this morning when I took my son to the dermatologist to get Accutane.  Accutane is a drug that you take for about six months, and once you take it, you never have acne again.  They don’t dispense it like Pez in middle school cafeterias because it really is a dangerous drug.  It can wreak havoc on your liver, so you have to get your liver enzymes tested monthly.  It can cause mental health issues.  And it can cause birth defects like nobody’s business.

But it only messes with the reproductive systems of girls.  It is the kind of medication that comes with a book – not a booklet – and a million paragraphs you have to initial that basically say that if you are on Accutane and you get within 100 yards of a woman who might become pregnant some time within the next five years, that woman will birth a swamp creature.

There’s a flowchart in the book.  One side is for girls who might get pregnant one day.  The other side is for boys and girls who can’t get pregnant.  The boys’ side says to get your meds every thirty days and don’t donate blood.  The girls side has four times the words, and may as well just say, “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Take This Medication.”

Seriously.  Look at this:


It’s ok if you can’t read all the words.  The point is not the words themselves, but the number of words.  Life is simpler on the boys’ side.

If this isn’t an analogy for everything that is wrong with the structure of the universe, I don’t know what is.  Because it isn’t sexist.  Boys and girls simply have different parts that play different roles in the reproductive system.  There is nothing any shift in attitude or change in legislation can do to make there be an equal number of words in each column.  This is biology, baby.  It’s science.  It’s true whether or not you believe in it.

And believe me.  It is NOT FAIR.

If you enjoyed this and want Lori to write for you, click on her Expert Ghost Writer page.  To read more like this, visit Lori at her website, , on Twitter, or on Facebook. For the Best of Lori, read her books, “Mismatched Shoes and Upside Down Pizza,”  “The Armadillo, the Pickaxe, and the Laundry Basket,” and her latest release, “You Know I Love You Because You’re Still Alive.”


About Lori Duff 352 Articles
Lori is the author of the bestselling collection of humor essays, "Mismatched Shoes and Upside Down Pizza" currently available exclusively on Amazon. In order to finance her writing habit, she is a practicing lawyer with Jones & Duff, LLC. She is married to Mike Duff, who is a retired DeKalb County Public Safety Officer, and has two amazing children who make cameo embarrassing appearances in her blog posts and who attend Walton County Public Schools. Her legal column, "Legalese", is meant to de-mystify and humanize the Court system. When asked about her writing, Lori says, "Life is too short not to laugh at every available opportunity. My goal is to make myself laugh -- and hopefully you will laugh along with me."

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